Brave Heart

They say softness is weakness

But what is braver than serving your heart on a silver platter

Uncertain of how it will be received

What could be stronger or sweeter than this surrender

I traced this poem through the steam hugging my glass shower door. It emerged from noticing the collective misconception that kindness, sweetness, open-heartedness, and softness are reserved for the feeble among us. Take the well-known quote: “kindness is weakness,” for example.

People seem to believe that toughness is the unitary path towards greatness. Unfortunately, men bear the brunt of this narrow-mindedness, as masculinity has become confused with a hard, unaffected demeanor. Look no further than these common expressions:

“Grow a pair”

“Don’t be a pussy”

“Fight like a girl”

“Who wears the pants here?”

“Crying is for the weak”

“Stiffen up that upper lip”

“Man up”

These pervasive sayings, harmless as they may seem, subconsciously communicate that courageousness is exclusively for men, and that strength is begotten through hardness. As unflattering as these expressions are to women, they are also detrimental to men, who do not have the license to live authentically or vulnerably. The societal pressure for men to suffer in silence and suppress emotions might hinder them from connecting with others and reaching out for help when they might desperately need it.

There are many wonderful masculine attributes. Namely, assertiveness, focus, drive, stability, discipline, along with many others. Yet somehow, it seems feminine qualities are held with less esteem. There is exquisiteness embedded in feminine qualities such as vulnerability, sensitivity, intuition, fluidity, and imagination. Soft as as these qualities may be, they are not weak. For what is more confident than the self-assurance conveyed when a one cries when they are moved? And what is braver than putting oneself out there when nothing is guaranteed? Here, we see that vulnerability can be both tender and strong. Justin Baldino articulates many of the ideas here in his TedTalk “Why I’m done trying to be man ‘enough.’”

All this talk about softness and kindness is not to advocate a sort of niceness that puts others before the self, nor is it to advance the all too common tendency towards people-pleasing that many women (myself included) have been inculcated into. These words aspire to rethink the weight we bestow upon certain qualities. As someone entering the Social Work field, I find it disheartening that people-centered professions, such as in education, childcare, counseling, etc. are often low-paying. Might this communicate something about our societal values?

Reader, I concur that men are on average physically stronger than women, that there are biological differences hardwired depending on sex, and it is perfectly understandable and acceptable that we are impacted by the way we are socialized. And still, we must all embrace masculine and feminine qualities, both of which are essential to a fulfilling existence. We, (man, woman, non-binary individuals), should foster both the masculine and feminine qualities within us, without shying away from qualities that don’t seem “manly” or “womanly” enough. Balance is key, and celebrating both polarities enriches humanity.

“The world of humanity is possessed of two wings: the male and the female. So long as these two wings are not equivalent in strength, the bird will not fly.”

- Abdu’l - Baha