Reimagining Loss

Dear Reader,

Today’s entry is about grief and loss. Though this is a subject many find heavy, I hope this entry will leave you with a less absolute conceptualization of goodbyes.

This subject has early roots for me. A few months shy of 7th birthday, my Ima (Hebrew word for mom) passed away from a sudden heart attack. As we delve into this topic, hand in hand, she is with me in mind and heart. Her passing in 2003 shaped my orientation to the world in a spiritual and philosophical way. As a little girl, I remember looking up at the stars and wondering: “What happens to people when they die? And what is this transitory life about?”

Fast forward to the present day, as a child therapist, I was introduced to a book called The Invisible String by Patrice Karst. In this beautiful book, children (and adults) learn that even when we not in-person with the people we love, we stay connected to them through an “invisible string.”

Excerpt of the book:

Mom said, “You know we’re always together, no matter what.”

“But how can we be together when you’re out here and we’re in bed?”

Mom held something right in front of them and said, “This is how.”

Rubbing their sleepy eyes, the twins came closer to see what Mom was holding. “I was about your age when my Mommy first told me about the Invisible String.”

“I don’t see a string,” said Jeremy.

“You don’t need to see the Invisible String. People who love each other are always connected by a very special String made of love.”

“But if you can’t see it, how do you know it’s there?” asked Liza.

“Even though you can’t see it with your eyes, you can feel it with your heart and know that you are always connected to everyone you love.”

Using a touch of playfulness and humor, the book goes on to detail how we stay connected to those we love even if we are in different rooms, places, states, countries, and… that the string can reach all the way to heaven. Regardless of the external circumstances, the invisible string unwaveringly remains, rendering us enduringly bound to those we love.

In this way, the people we love are always with us, even when they are not physically present beside us. We integrate them as a part of who we are, and therefore, they become a part of our essence, shaping our present day for the better. 

In the Jewish tradition where I come from, when someone dies, we say, “May their memory be a blessing.” This implies that our beloved’s memory lives on inside of us, becoming a blessing in our present day and shaping our lives for the better. In fact, after someone passes away, it is customary to donate in their name to signal that because this person lived, we are now living our lives for the better, too, creating a positive legacy in the wake of our beloved’s death.

Perhaps each one of us leaves our own unique imprint on this world, and through that imprint, we stay in this world even when our time has come. I know, we just got real philosophical. To ground this, feel free to check out this heart-meltingly tender clip from the TV show This is Us: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4vt_kcGJ04

To end, I want to leave us with the last verse from a poem by John O’Donohue called For Grief:

“Gradually, you will learn to acquaintance

With the invisible form of your departed;

And, when the work of grief is done,

The wound of loss will heal

And you will have learned

To wean your eyes

From that gap in the air

And be able to enter the hearth

In your soul where your loved one

Has awaited your return

All the time.”

Phill Collins' song, "You'll be in My Heart" also captures this idea that no matter what, the people that we love stay with us.

As we close, I hope you take the time to nurture whatever feelings may have arisen while reading this. Your heart is spacious enough to contain more than one emotion at the same time. Perhaps there some sadness and longing, coupled with love, hope, wonder and awe. All emotions are welcome.

Until the next time,

Shani