Resilience: A Dance between Will and Surrender

Though New Year’s resolutions may be doomed, I have entered this new year with a newfound intention to be more resilient.

I notice myself gain a few pounds, acquire bags under my eyes, or feel underprepared at work, and I think to myself…it will all resolve “when.” When I am nestled in my comfy apartment in New York City, eating carefully prepared meals, getting a scrumptious eight hours of sleep a night, cocooned in my own bubble of suspended time and productivity.

But this “when” is as elusive as it is illusory. We can’t always plan for the circumstances in which we find ourselves, and this one life isn’t about fulfilling our own idiosyncratic needs to a tea. Rather, life is a communal journey of compromising and melding our own needs with the needs of those around us. No one lives in a lab with perfect conditions, and who would want such a life uncolored by life’s inevitable surprises?

Perhaps most damagingly, fixating too much on the question of "when" robs us of the here and now. Mick Jagger was spot on about the human condition in his song "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction." What we have on our plates is never quite enough, and most of us are endlessly yearning for something more, whether it be the weekend, better weather, a product, or another bite of cake before we've even finished the first slice. Realizing that human nature is bent towards dissatisfaction can help us slow down and ground in present moment.

Most of us will not always procure a perfect eight hours of uninterrupted sleep each night, some work days will be more draining than others, and life is tethered to unforeseen hiccups profoundly more stressful than the ones I've listed here. So rather than focusing too much on externals, on cultivating perfect exterior conditions, perhaps we should instead do some gentle internal gardening. How can we build our resilience so that no matter what is going on in the world, we can be poised and uplifting people who are not so easily rattled? As Herman Hesse writes in Siddartha: “most people are like a falling leaf that drifts and turns in the air, flutters and falls to the ground. But a few others are like stars which travel one defined path.” In other words, life is a turbulent journey and most people are like leaves driven in the wind of swirling thoughts and feelings created by their outer world. Instead of being at the whim of what happens around us, can we learn to live like a star on a fixed orbit guided by a deeper inner knowing?

For the better part of 2020, I have been like a leaf fluttering frantically in a gall. Everyday frustrations both big and small have shaken me…I’ve gotten disproportionately stressed by my work, my relationships, and even the news! And so, I endeavor to be more resilient. Most everyone agrees that the ability to bounce back from setbacks requires a sense of agency, or will nourished by the belief that one has a measure of control over the way one’s life unfolds. But perhaps resilience also requires surrender in faith that everything is alright...that everything will be alright...even though we cannot control or know what lies ahead. On that note, let us welcome all parts of 2021, even the bumpy ones.

“The green reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the mighty oak which breaks in a storm.”

- Confucious