To all the boys I once led on

Abashedly, I admit that back in the day, I led on a fair share of suitors.

A good number of worthy guys would show interest in me, and reveling in the positive attention, I would keep the door of possibility open without real intention of moving forward. And this perplexed me for some time. Why couldn’t I bring myself to allow any kind of intimacy or romance with any of these decent fellows?

Now that I am older and wiser (my 28-year-old self says this this tongue and cheek ツ ), I have some more insight into why I may have been engaging in such unkind and cowardly behavior. Let’s dive in.

Feeling wanted feels good. And growing up in a home where I didn’t always feel wanted, the notion of being desired by another granted me some compensatory sense that I was, well, lovable. Perhaps I could learn to see myself through another’s eyes, and maybe if someone could see me as desirable, this would be proof attesting to my lovability.

But paradoxically, once someone expressed interest in me, this is precisely when the other shoe would suddenly drop. My insides would then scream…time to run away! Once someone expressed any kind of romantic feelings toward me, I was terrified that I had duped the other person into conjuring a false image of me. My instinct was to evade my pursuer, lest the illusion shatter. If I could avoid further contact, perhaps my desirability in their eyes could be eternalized.

When I step back, I can see that to fulfill the emotional need for feeling loved that I was lacking, I was relying on external sources to validate and provide me with that sense of worthiness.

Looking back, I remember having some sense of what I could do or say in order to present myself in a way that might be desirable to my beholder. And not only was this deceitful, but it also barred real connection from ever transpiring. Because if you can’t be yourself with someone, how can real a real bond form? My pursuers were not forming a bond with me, but with their idea of me.

It makes sense that I would invariably distance myself. Because I never really allowed a potential love interest to get to know me, the person they developed a crush on wasn’t entirely me, and maybe I was scared to bring that to light. As a people-pleaser, I was outwardly oriented, and in this way, perhaps I couldn’t let others get to know me because I myself didn’t know my own preferences/beliefs/thoughts, as I was keeping my focus on others rather than my own truth.

To all the men I once lead on ... I am so sorry for the hurt I may have caused through my ignorant and self-absorbed behavior.

And to me…I offer myself compassion and forgiveness. This is part of my common humanity, and I am learning, evolving, and growing.

Today, I am engaged to be married to a spectacularly special human in whose presence I feel safe and loved. His love has been such a beautiful gift, and I’ve been learning how to offer it to myself.

Though I believe it is important to surround ourselves with people in whose presence we feel cherished and valued, I also believe that all relationships root from the way we self-relate. When the part of me that feels unlovable surfaces, I am learning to give that part of me the love and presence it needs, rather than looking for it outside of myself.

Thank you for reading ❀ As we stand on the threshold of a new year, I wish you a 2025 full of your heart’s desires!