Turning Toward Happiness

Really, she’s spending all that money on acrylic nails and partying?

I caught myself with this judgmental appraisal while eyeing a radiant mutual friend who was raving about the concerts and birthday extravaganzas she was frequenting.

More than anything, my judgment reflected my enviousness and deep pining for that kind of aliveness. But I think there’s another layer here.

For a long while, I was under the subtle impression that the pursuit of happiness was in a way frivolous. Perhaps this is because I come from a lineage of Holocaust survivors, and somewhere deep down, I’ve inherited an intergenerational sliver of survivor’s guilt about living my fullest, most joyous life.

I am no stranger to inklings of guilt both big and small and often find myself reproachful for trivial infractions (i.e. not holding the door open for a stranger behind me, etc.).

Every emotion has a purpose, and guilt’s prerogative is to motivate ethical behavior. The question remains, why does my mind tend to designate guilt and happiness as bed-fellows? In other words, why does a part of me feel guilty about the prospect of reaching my happiest potential?

A small voice inside me whispers that so many of those who came before me (and so many people in our world today) are suffering. This hardened part of me wonders whether, amid all the pain in this world, the pursuit of happiness can be self-absorbed. Who am I to treat myself to a massage, when there are so many homeless people in New York City where I live?

Given a challenging social, economic, and cultural backdrop for many, it is perhaps understandable that our country is facing a collective mental health upheaval. And yet, as a newly minted therapist, I notice that much of my training surrounding wellness was very individualistic. In other words, many mental health treatments focus on helping individual people enhance their wellbeing through therapy, behavioral skills training, mindfulness, bodywork, and so on. And while I full-heartedly support these strategies as powerful catalysts for healing, there is a voice in the bowels of my mind that murmurs: these interventions are all Band-Aid solutions for an ailing world that is causing so many of us to be unhappy. Take the World Happiness Report, for example. The happiness levels of individuals vary significantly depending on what country they live in. This makes sense, as each of us exists in a greater context that shapes how we think, feel, and move through the world.

And so, if each person promotes their own happiness, will this merely increase the happiness level of that individual while evading the larger societal issues that cause so many of us to be unwell (think: political divisiveness, limited childcare options, an unending stream of alarming news, rising costs of housing, natural disasters brought on by climate change, toxic messages from social media, and so on.)?

Given the issues above, people like me sometimes feel a little guilty about focusing on their own happiness. But maybe, focusing on my personal happiness can go hand in hand with community activism. This is because people who invest in their well-being have the energy, resources, and wherewithal to better our world. This speaks to a phenomenon researchers have coined the “Feel Good, Do Good” effect, wherein people in a good mood are more willing to help others.

And so, if everyone were to engage in strategies to improve their individual happiness level, perhaps we could get closer to making the structural changes needed to create a more equitable society. Many of these ideas are articulated by Dr. Laurie Santos, a Professor of Psychology at Yale University, in an interview live from Toronto.

Knowing the above, I remind myself that valuing pleasure is not a Pollyannaish pursuit reserved for the hedonists among us. Rather, by taking care of myself, my cup will overflow with goodness that spills out positively into the world around me. If people value their personal happiness, they will have the willpower and inspiration to make this world a better place.

And strange as it may seem, I have now come to appreciate that given all the heartache in the world, finding the joy and light where possible takes strength. When life throws upsets one’s way, it is easier to remain cynical and in a defeatist state of mind. To get up, dust one’s shoes, and choose to see the beauty in this world takes a sort of courage. And thinking about my ancestors - in my heart of hearts, I know that it would be a gift for them to see me reach my most joyous potential.

Not to mention, the more we can turn toward our happiness and embrace our pleasure, the happier we will be for others. If you find yourself envious or judgmental of a friend who is living her best life, perhaps ask yourself what such a projection might indicate about your own emotional landscape.

And yet, and yet and yet … Depending on the level of privilege vested in a person by society, happiness may not be as readily available to some as it is to others. While I know this to be true, I’d like to hold onto the bottom line of hope that human beings are tremendously resilient.

Happiness can take several forms, which largely fall under two umbrellas:

There’s hedonic happiness, which is tied to pleasure relating to the enjoyment of experiences (for example: savoring a chocolate-covered strawberry, playing in fallen leaves, getting a massage, cuddling with a pet, etc).

There’s also eudaimonic happiness, which is tied to finding purpose and meaning in life (for example: writing out future goals, giving to someone in need, volunteering, writing a thank you note, attending a religious or spiritual gathering, etc.). Both types of happiness are important for overall well-being, and we can strive for both.

But a note of caution – research has found that people who show high levels of “concern about happiness” and “constantly judge and evaluate their own hedonic state rather than simply experiencing it…They look at their own emotional experiences, judge them, and ultimately end up being disappointed with how they actually feel” (O’connel, 2022).

And so, perhaps striving for other goals, such as prioritizing time with others, being grateful, being more present, connecting with our values, etc. will lead to more happiness as a byproduct.

No matter how we get there, cheers to happiness, both yours and mine :)